The Perfect Mother

My mother’s menu

consisted of two choices:

Take it or leave it.

Buddy Hackett

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This Powerful Goddess has fond memories of growing up inheriting her mother’s good looks, sunshiny personality and a romantic vintage trousseau. May we all be so blessed! For those  whose gifts from their mothers did not initially appear this lovely, an excerpt from Byron Katie‘s A Thousand Names for Joy:

When my daughter attended her first of my workshops with a large group of therapists present, she was working on “the mother from hell”–which was how she had experienced me as she was growing up. She couldn’t bear to look at me as she was doing her Work; it was hard for her even to hear the sound of my voice. I was the root of her problem, she thought, and I was also her salvation; she had to ask the monster for help, which made her furious. At a certain moment she became very passionate and got right in my face saying I should have mothered her differently. I said, “That’s not my job. Mother yourself, Honey. You be the mother you always wanted.” Later she told me that that was the greatest gift I ever gave her. It turned out to be her freedom. I know the privilege of mothering myself. It’s hopeless to see it as anyone else’s job. Here’s what I’ve told all my children: “You have the perfect mother. I’m responsible for all your problems, and you’re responsible for the solutions.”

Click on “Leave a Comment” (top left) to share how you’ve been a good mother to yourself.  And have the happiest one yet!

xoxox

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xoxox

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Earth Friendly Fashion

I’m just trying

to change the world

one sequin at a time.

Lady Gaga

Earth Day treats for the fashion conscious includes Elizabeth Cline’s book Overdressed: The Shockingly High Cost of Cheap Fashion

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… and these clothing brands that strive to raise the bar on the matter of making style kind to the earth:

H&M Conscious  H&M’s affordable options to those who want eco-friendly fashion without breaking the bank or compromising on style.
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Litke Behind the minimalist design, eccentric tailoring and unique touches of Catherine Litke’s self-titled line are quality organic fabrics, handmade details and a business model that puts local manufacturing high on its priority list.
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Amour Vert Leading the eco-style industry with its French casual chic, incredibly conscientious style, “With Every Stitch a Purpose” motto, made-in-the-USA manufacturing, non-toxic dyes, sustainable fibers, innovative fabrics and zero-waste design philosophy. And who else plants a tree for every t-shirt they sell?
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Study NY The female version of Tim Gunn, Tara St James creates minimalist style with contemporary flair using eco-conscious practices, including zero-waste, environmentally friendly fibers and local production.
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Zero + Maria Cornejo Using ecological and sustainable materials and techniques when possible (with everything from fabric made from recycled cassette tapes to llama wool), Maria Cornejo creates timeless, modern designs that have been worn by the likes of Michelle Obama and Tilda Swinton.
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Reformation Every list of green clothing brands must  include Reformation, the manufacturer of super chic products in an environmentally friendly sewing factory, then ships off their garments made of sustainable fabrics and vintage garments in 100% recycled packaging.
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Click on “Leave a Comment” (above left) to add your Earth Day fashion tips here. Photos on this page are from Google Images.

xoxox

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Seen in Sicily

 

The Mafia gets points

for having

the best restaurants.

David Beard

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A tour of Sicily for 11 days? I imagined this island to be just a bunch of rocks so I had serious doubts. Sarah Murdoch, the Goddess of Packing Light and honorary Sicilian, won me over with her enthusiasm and passion, swearing 11 days is not enough to see all of Sicily’s best.

Turns out, Sicily has always been the bread basket of Italy and driving through the island revealed a rolling landscape of fertile farms, vineyards, citrus and olive groves. Even if you don’t have 11 days, here are more than 11 things worth seeing and doing:

1. Visit the charming Contessa of the Palazzo Conte Frederico. Her family converted their Palazzo’s stables into Palermo’s most royal B&B.  She will be thrilled to host your private party and her love story with her husband will make you swoon.

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2. Take the local pulse at bustling open markets and catch quaint domestic street scenes like this genius manual elevator.

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3. The Cathedral of Monreale has 68,000 square feet of mosaics illustrating various passages from the Bible. Each tile measures about the size of the fingernail on your little finger. What’s even more amazing is  that the artisans of this Catholic church were Muslims imported from Constantinople–which explains why the work is similar to the Hagia Sofia in Istanbul.

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4. The Sicilian Goddess of Pastry, Maria Grammtico, hosts group lunches and pastry baking demonstrations. Signora Maria was orphaned very young and had to work at a convent crushing almonds as a little girl. Her biography Bitter Almonds: Recollections and Recipes from a Sicilian Girlhood tells how she turned the difficulties of her childhood into a literally sweet life.

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5. If the kids tag along, this family of puppeteers in Ortigia will remind you of the Von Trapp family of the “Sound of Music” with their Italian productions.

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Trivia for lovers of antiquity: Where do you find the world’s best preserved Greek ruins? Sicily, of course!  In the very long history of this strategically located island’s revolving door of ruling powers, the Greeks had their turn and a few of Sicily’s hills are littered with their art and architecture.

6. Sing an aria at Segesta’s amphitheater. With its incredible acoustics, you can hear the person on stage whisper even when you’re this far. And do notice the backdrop of mountain, sea and neighboring island off the horizon.

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7. On the rolling hills of Agrigento, the Temple of Concordia stands majestic, looking out to the sea. If you’d rather not melt your wings in the heat like this fallen Icarus, visit Sicily off season. At night, this temple and its neighboring ruins are lit for your viewing pleasure as you sip a granita at your hotel terrace.

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8. From the Roman chapter of Sicilian history remains the mosaic floors of the Villa Romana Del Casale from 500 BC. Carpet sellers could not possibly have made a penny from this family who had every inch of their 4,000 sq. feet covered with a variety of scenes and patterns. My favorite was the long hallway of now extinct exotic animals captured in Africa for the Roman extravaganzas at the Coliseum. The “Bikini Girls” in the next room are actually  female athletes of their time.

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9. “Passeggiata” is for people watching. In the early evening at every town especially on Sundays, locals meander down Main Street to say hello to each other and catch up with daily gossip.  Dress well for La Bella Figura, a good first impression and photo opportunities.

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10. Eat well and/or cook better! Learn how to make Arancino rice balls, caponata, fresh gelato, Sicilian pizza,… at the Nosco Culinary School in the hillside town of Ragusa.

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11. Can chocolate be made without heat, butter or artificial additives? Solve the mystery while chocolate tasting at Antica Dulceria Bonajuto in the town of Modica. Had to bring home their pistachio chocolate Easter Eggs.

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12. Wine tasting does not get more charming than in the company of the handsome father and twin sons who run the Benanti vineyard on the slopes of Mount Etna. I love how the labels of their wine bottles  combine the family patriarch’s love of wine and Renaissance art.

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13. In Siracusa, whisper in the Ear of Dionisio or sing your heart out with a grand chorus.

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I didn’t even make it to Sicily’s beaches! Taormina is popular with its pebbles and if you prefer sand, head towards the Southern coast facing Africa.

Click on “Leave a Comment” (top left) to add your Sicily travel tips.  La Dolce Vita Easter to you!

xoxox

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How To Raise An Adult

I think

if I make it to 40,

I can be pretty amazing.

Wendy Wasserstein, Uncommon Women & Others

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Wandering Rome with my teen surrounded by magnificent sculptures, I imagine the discipline it took artists to mold hard stone into flowing robes and graceful figures. They give me a measure of comfort realizing that parenting teens requires as much patience and dedication–while remembering to keep our hands tied behind our back.

Why did parenting change from preparing our kids for life to protecting them from life? How has this shift left them unprepared to live life on their own?

Julie Lythcott-Haims sums up the effects of “helicopter parenting” from her observations as a parent and as an academic administrator working with college Freshmen in her book How To Raise An Adult.

The central aim of parenting has evolved to preparing children for success and every act of nurturing gets judged on the basis of whether it will usher a child toward a life of accomplishment or failure. This standard holds our everyday choices hostage to worries for their prosperity and future. As the New York Times article of Heather Hevrilesky puts it, “A child who soaks in the ambient anxiety that surrounds each trivial choice or activity is an anxious child, formed in the hand-wringing, future-focused image of her anxious parents.”

Much as we want to exempt our children from pain and suffering, Julie Lythcott-Haims underlines that learning through experience is the best way humans learn. If we don’t allow our children to suffer the tribulations of life, we are not doing our job of preparing them to be adults. It is necessary to hold our tongue and stay out of their way as they stumble, learn how to pick themselves up and arrive at their own answers.

This book is both pro-parent and pro-child, well researched, easy to read, and full of comforting and practical advice for parents walking the tightrope of being supportive without being controlling. Tough, I know!

Click on “Leave a Comment” (above left) to share what it takes for your to allow your children to figure things out on their own.

xoxox

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xoxox

Give the women you love the most unique gift

of elegant and timeless portraits

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201 697 1947

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Winter Blues (and Green)

Real freedom is

being able to not have my way and

still be just as happy as if I did.

Joyce Meyer

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I often hear women bemoan their choices that are different and can’t possibly measure up to those who do more or better and lean in a whole lot. What does true freedom mean if we don’t feel liberated to create a life that feels authentic to our own happiness? When we feel compelled to conform to other people’s choices and measures of success? I hear the great advantage of aging is that each passing year brings us closer to the day when we can blaze our trail (or not) without feeling inadequate, defensive or judged.

From Jennifer Senior’s All Joy and No Fun: The Paradox of Modern Parenthood:

The phrase “having it all” has little to do with what women want. If anything, it’s a reflection of a widespread and misplaced cultural belief, shared by men and women alike: that we, middle class Americans, have infinite promise and it’s our obligation to exploit every ounce of it. “Having it all” is the phrase of a culture that, as Adam Phillips implies in Missing Out, is tyrannized by the idea of its own potential.

Click on “Leave a Comment” (top left) to share how you have chosen to be true to your happiness.

xoxox

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xoxox

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201 697 1947

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Eat Your Heart Out

 

 

I never worry about diets.

The only carrots that interest me

are the numbers on a diamond.

Mae West

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To eat, drink, and truly be merry through the holidays, can we please skirt the topic of weight, workouts and diets at festivities? I do my best by walking away or staying mum when this very popular ho-hum subject comes up. What could happen in 2016 if you chuck the weighing scale, keep active in whatever way is fun for you and just listen to your body–eat natural fresh food when you’re hungry and stop when you’re full?

From Courtney Martin’s book Perfect Girls, Starving Daughters: The Frightening New Normalcy of Hating Your Body:

Sex and food are the two most loaded issues of our time, the Pandora’s box of our culture, universal and forbidden simultaneously. We even use the same language when it comes to both: temptation, pleasure, crave. Just as we are surrounded by advertisements for food that we “shouldn’t” eat, invited to indulge because we deserve it, we are told, in the next thirty-second spot, that we should get back to the gym if we want to work off some guilt and make ourselves worthy of a bikini this summer. Sexual images are all around us, and pornography inaccessible at the touch of a button, but any teenage girl who wants to protect her reputation must exercise absolute restraint, wait for a committed relationship to explore her sexuality, and keep quiet about masturbation.

How can anyone, under these conditions, be expected to know her true desire? How can anyone navigate the dangerous terrain of reputation and expectation on the road toward her authentic sexuality? How can a woman excited about life emerge without hating the body that leads her into temptation?

After publishing The Fat Girl’s Guide to Life, Wendy Shanker traveled the nation doing readings, book signings, and talking to fans. She reflects, “The best lesson I learned touring is that eery woman, no matter how heavy or how skinny, feels fat. When you’re thin, you’re never thin enough.” When I see some hot girl saunter down the street, I used to give her a dirty look, sure that she had a perfect life. Now I know better. I know that she may look different on the outside, but inside she feels the same way I do. Now, instead of a dirty look, I throw a little mini-vibe of compassion her way.”

This is the heart of the matter: A perfect girl can rule just as tyrannically, and a starving daughter can ache just as deeply, inside a thin body. Our dissatisfaction is never, at its deepest, about our bodies. This is why fat women and thin women often experience the world in similar ways. If a thin woman feels inadequate and “thinks fat,” she may endure less hate coming from the outside in than a fat woman but just as much criticism and sadness from the inside out. If a woman of any size is able to stop her negative self-talk and accept herself, she may experience the world with a little peace of mind.

Obsessing over every little thing we put in our mouths takes away our ability to control our own thoughts, our inalienable right to feel good about ourselves regardless of the size of our thighs. It takes away our time, our pleasure, our energy, our vision, our joy. We are not our bodies. Our souls are not our stomachs. Our brains are not our butts.

Click on “Leave a Comment” (above left) to share how well you’ll feed Santa at last. And have the merriest Ho-Ho-Ho!

xoxox

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xoxox

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Big Magic

I can always be distracted

by love, but eventually

I get horny for my creativity.

Gilda Radner

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I must have dozed off reading “Eat, Pray…” because I never did find out what happened in the “Love” part of Elizabeth Gilbert’s runaway bestseller. Her  “Big Magic” book, however, captivated me to the very end.

Watch this TED talk on Your Elusive Creative Genius for an excerpt on the wisdom of recognizing that we are not necessarily the source, but mere channels of genius. By finding the discipline to consistently set aside time to show up for our work or art, we give ourselves the best chance of catching our genius or muse when it is in the mood to play.

To have a successful and lasting relationship with our creativity, Elizabeth explains how we must give up requiring it to pay the bills (and soon,) that we should always find whatever work is necessary to support it, and consistently make time to attend to it–if only to help us keep our sanity and zest for living. A bit more “Big Magic” excerpt:

Fierce trust demands that you put forth the work anyhow. Fierce trust knows that the outcome does not matter.

The outcome cannot matter.

Fierce trust asks you to stand strong within this truth:

You are worthy, dear one, regardless of the outcome. You will keep making your work regardless of the outcome. You will keep sharing your work, regardless of the outcome. You were born to create, regardless of the outcome. You will never lose trust in the creative process, even when you don’t understand the outcome.

There is a famous question that shows up, it seems, in every single self-help book ever written: What would you do if you knew that you could not fail?

But I’ve always seen it differently. I think the fiercest question of all is this: What would you do even if you knew that you might very well fail?

Click on “Leave a Comment” (above left) to share what you love doing so much that the words failure and success essentially are irrelevant.

xoxox

Give the women you love the most unique gift of elegant and timeless portraits

with a Powerful Goddess portrait session Gift Certificate:

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201 697 1947

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Best Books This Summer

Too much

of a good thing

is wonderful.

Mae West

While I do my best not to get overly baked in the Mediterranean sun, do tell what’s on your reading list?  Here’s a collection by (mostly) women writers for whatever corner of the planet this summer may take you:

The Ladies of Managua by Eleni Gage. Through three generations in Nicaragua and Miami, love, loss, secrets, and the mother daughter dynamic hold true no matter where we live.

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The Wild Oats Project by Robin Rinaldi. Move over, Madame Bovary! This woman’s midlife memoir  is a quest for passion at any cost.

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Eight Hundred Grapes by Laura Dave. A Sonoma vineyard provides the backdrop of a family drama, each character exploring what (s)he wants from relationships and of her/himself.

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Speak by Louisa Hall. Moms will want to read this book recommended “for all teens.” What to do when your kid in high school refuses to speak out of shame and becomes a social outcast?

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The Diver’s Clothes Lie Empty by Vendetta Vida. In Morocco, a woman reels you in on her journey of reinvention, questioning our preconceived notions of identity, perception, and social blueprints.

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The Rocks by Peter Nichols. Spanning six decades and three generations of two families, a tragic event sets the stage for the tale of two warring expat Brits in Mallorca who used to be married to each other.

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In The Country by Mia Alvar. What stories do we tell ourselves to make our reality bearable? Nine short story vignettes of Filipinos working around the world, each contemplating the masks we wear and the consequences we face after tough choices.

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The Unfortunates by Sophie McManus.  A New York family struggles to hold on to the waning opulence in their lifestyle. When is feeling rich (or poor) relative?

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Click on “Leave a Comment” (above left) to share what’s in your beach/travel bag. And have the sunniest 4th of July!

xoxox

 

Give the women you love the most unique gift of elegant and timeless portraits

with a Powerful Goddess portrait session Gift Certificate:

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 Sharon Birke

201 697 1947

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Love, Lies and Valentine’s

To make Valentine’s really special,

I’ll tie my man up

so I can watch whatever I want on TV.

Tracy Smith

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If you’re not watching the 50 Shades of Grey movie this weekend, here are some New York Times articles and book recommendations especially compiled by a favorite blog fan for our reading pleasure.  How lucky are we to be so loved!

1. The 10 Best Modern Love Columns Ever 

   I love #2 on this list: Laura Munson’s “Those Are Not Fighting Words, Dear”

2. The 36 Questions That Lead to Love

   Even those who have been married too long may not know each other’s answers.

3. “Love and Lies” book by Clancy Martin

   Adelle Waldman reviews this memoir/essay on truthfulness, deceit, and the growth and care of erotic love.

Click on “Leave a Comment” (above left) to share how well you shall love (thyself) this Valentine’s.  Many hugs and kisses to you and our favorite blog fans!  xoxox

Don’t bore your Valentine with lingerie–

give him/her the gift of lasting memories with Powerful Goddess Portraits!

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201 697 1947

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Wild Women

Walking isn’t a lost art —

one must, by some means,

get to the garage. 

Evan Esar

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It’s a merry time for women from behind, as well as in front of, the camera this holiday season with top grossing movies featuring two female directors and a slew of powerful actresses. I am personally intrigued by Cheryl Strayed’s book turned movie, Wild, because it is not about a woman finding love in another.  It is about a woman finding her Self after great domestic upheaval through a 1,100 mile solitary hike in the woods.

Reese Witherspoon produced and stars in Wild, braving unshaved legs and no makeup. I like that as a mother of teens, she aspires to teach them to be brave and live life fully, with curiosity and love.  That all the things we spend time worrying about are not important.  That we will meet amazing and helpful people in our journey who will love us regardless of the parents we have.  That we will do better than ok if we choose to spend less time tearing ourselves apart and admit that we’re good enough.

As she approaches 40, she admits that in her 20s, she didn’t realize that no one else can make her whole–no relationship, no child, no nothing can make her a happy person.  I admire a woman who mans up to the reality that her happiness is up to her.  That’s wild!

Click on “Leave a Comment” (above left) to share what’s wild to you.

xoxox

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201 697 1947

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Face To Face

It’s not that I’m afraid to die.

I just don’t want to be there when it happens.

Woody Allen

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When I was growing up, Halloween was All Souls Day.   Parties, costumes and candy had absolutely nothing to do with it.  The closest it came to partying was how we had to hang out with relatives at the cemetery, saying hello to the families in the grave next door as we cleaned up family plots in honor of our dear departed. I have no doubt I would have much preferred trick or treat.

From Pema Chodron’s “When Things Fall Apart”:

We are raised in a culture that fears death and hides it from us. Nevertheless, we experience it all the time. We experience it in the form of disappointment, in the form of things not working out. We experience it in the form of things always being in the process of change. When the day ends, when the second ends, when we breathe out, that’s death in everyday life.

Death in everyday life can also be defined as experiencing all the things we don’t want. Our marriage isn’t working; our job isn’t coming together. Having a relationship with death in everyday life means that we begin to be able to wait, to relax with insecurity, with panic, with embarrassment, with things, not working out. Time passing is as natural as the seasons changing and day turning into night. But getting old, getting sick losing what we love–we don’t see these events as natural occurrences. We want to ward off that sense of death, no matter what.

Giving up hope is encouragement to stick with yourself, to make friends with yourself, to not run away from yourself no matter what’s going on. Fear of death is the background of the whole thing. It’s why we feel restless, why we panic, why there’s anxiety. But if we totally experience hopelessness, giving up all hope of alternatives to the present moment, we can have a joyful relationship with our lives, an honest, direct relationship, one that no longer ignores the reality of impermanence and death.

To be fully alive, fully human, and completely awake is to be continually thrown out of the nest. To live fully is to be always in no-man’s land, to experience each moment as completely new and fresh. To live is to be willing to die over and over again. From an awakened point of view, that’s life. Death is wanting to hold on to what you have to have every experience confirm you and congratulate you and make you feel completely together.

Click on “Leave a Comment” (above left) to share your thoughts.  Trick or treat!

xoxox

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© Sharon Birke

201 697 1947

Sharon@PowerfulGoddess.com

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Back to (Seduction) School

I consider a day’s teaching wasted

if we do not all have one hearty laugh.

Gilbert Highet

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This morning, I kissed the kids goodbye –or good riddance? 😉 –as they dragged sleepy heads and heavy backpacks out the door.  There has been very little contest between books and computer games through the summer and it is a sad kind of funny how they find reading a chore. Will I live to see the day when they’ll fall in love with learning just for the fun of it?  Perhaps these seduction tips from Robert Greene’s “The Art of Seduction” can help me parent with charm through gritted teeth:

Remember the person who interests us most is our own self.  Get inside the other person’s skin, piercing their psychology.

Stop saying the first thing that comes to your mind–you must control the urge to prattle and vent. Say things that please, that relate to their lives and touch their vanity.  Say things that are witty and entertaining, or that make the future seem bright and hopeful.

Do not become sentimental–it is tiring, and too direct.  The most anti-seductive form of language is argument. The superior way to get people to listen and be persuaded?  Humor and a light touch.

Let them get an intriguing impression of you while you show no particular interest in them.

Focus on feelings and sensations, using expressions that are ripe with connotation. Plant ideas by dropping hints, writing suggestively without explaining yourself.  Never lecture, never seem intellectual or superior. It is more persuasive to appeal to people’s hearts than their heads.

Flattery is music to anyone’s ears and is seductive language in its purest form. This is language designed to move people and lower their tolerance.  Aim at the person’s weakness, the areas where he needs validation.  Sniff out a talent or positive quality that others have not noticed.

Click on “Leave a Comment” (above left) to share your seduction tip or two. Goddess bless all the teachers in this world!

xoxox

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xoxox

Sharon Birke

201 697 1947

Sharon@PowerfulGoddess.com

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Break Free Today

The truth will set you free,

but first it will piss you off.

Gloria Steinem

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Here’s Summer!  With three teens under my roof, freedom and independence are never far from my mind even when it’s not the 4th of July.   On the radio, I hear lyrics of pop songs like Wasted and Fancy that revel in the freedom of being unconsciousness, blacking out as a convenient excuse for “I don’t know what happened to me!” Do the young seriously believe adults don’t crave this same relief from living the straight and narrow?!  Red, white, and blue don’t do as much for me as seeing red lips pop on black and white with Powerful Goddess Cora Poage.

Pema Chodron speaks of a more genuine freedom in this excerpt from  her book When Things Fall Apart:

We are told from childhood that something is wrong with us, with the world, and with everything that comes along: it’s not perfect, it has rough edges, it has a bitter taste, it’s too loud, too soft, too sharp, too wishy-washy. We cultivate a sense of trying to make things better because something is bad here, something is a mistake here, something is a problem here.

To dissolve this dualism, we must question our habitual tendency to struggle against what’s happening to us or in us. What if we move toward difficulties than backing away? We don’t get this kind of encouragement very often.

Everything that occurs in our lives is not only usable and workable but is actually the path itself. We can use everything that happens to us as the means for waking up. We can use everything that occurs–whether it’s our emotions and thoughts or our seemingly outer situation–to show us where we are asleep and how we can wake up completely, utterly, without reservations.

In the practice of lojong, a slogan says, “When the world is filled with evil, all mishaps, all difficulties, should be transformed into the path of enlightenment.”

We’re trying to learn not to split ourselves between our “good side” and our “bad side,” between our “pure side” and our “impure side.” The elemental struggle is with our feeling of being wrong, with our guilt and shame at what we are. That’s what we have to befriend. The point is that we can dissolve the sense of dualism between us and them, between this and that, between here and there, by moving toward what we find difficult and wish to push away.

Click on “Leave a Comment” (above left) to share your blacks, whites, and reds.

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© Sharon Birke

201 697 1947

Sharon@PowerfulGoddess.com

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The Rules

I probably do need to learn to behave.

But I don’t like it.

Elizabeth Wurtzel

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That we might learn a thing or two from men on Father’s Day, an excerpt from Elizabeth Wurtzel’s The Bitch: In Praise of Difficult Women:

I have no quarrel with The Rules or the advice it gives–it actually seems pretty sound to me–but if we had really come a long way, baby, if men’s perceptions of women had transformed fundamentally and intensely so that we are accepted as full-fledged sexual creatures and romantic operatives who were free to chase or be chased, and if this expanded dimension of women’s sexual personae were not frightening or overwhelming to them, then we would not need The Rules.

So of course the bitch persona appeals to us. It is the illusion of liberation, of libertine abandon. What if you want to be large in a world that would have you be small, diminished? You don’t want to diet, you don’t want to say no, thank you, and pretend somehow that what is there is enough when always, always, you want more. That has been your defining characteristic: You have appetites, and only if you are truly shameless will you even begin to be sated because nothing is ever really enough. Not because you are greedy or insatiable but because you can’t help it, you can’t go along with the fiction that the world would have you believe and adhere to: that you ought to settle and be careful and accept the crumbs that are supposed to pass for a life, this minimized self you are supposed to put up with.

This is about what has become the almost monstrous notion of female desire. this is not about making demands of other people or wearing down those who have their own screams for MORE! to address.  You’d be amazed at how often we are reluctant to indulge ourselves by our own means. It is amazing that the smallness of the space we’ve been told to squeeze into has meant that we don’t even know how to ask or what to want.

How nice it must be to just decide I will not be nice, I am never sorry, I have no regrets: what is before me belongs to me. For men, this attitude is second nature, it’s as much in their atmosphere as snow is in an Eskimo’s. They don’t even know how much they assume.

A very Happy Father’s Day to our favorite heroes!  Click on “Leave a Comment” (above left) to share what you love about men.

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xoxox

© Sharon Birke

201 697 1947

Sharon@PowerfulGoddess.com

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Valley of Amazement

 

If evolution really worked,

how come mothers only have two hands?

Milton Berle

 

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For Mother’s Day, this Powerful Goddess honors her mother’s Asian heritage. With features that take more after her father’s, something about her eyes suggests barely a whisper of her Eastern roots.  We found an ancient screen and ceramic stool as a simple backdrop for her robe and chopstick.  I adore photographs that look like old paintings!  I also imagine Vivien, the heroine of mixed heritage in Amy Tan’s latest novel, Valley of Amazement, must have been as beautiful as this.

Valley of Amazement has mixed reviews for being long-winded and predictable. With its countless peaks and valleys, how many mother daughter relationships can really be told succinctly?  Fewer still are those relationships that don’t defy prediction. For who among us can see beyond the wisdom of our years, no matter whatever age?  

This Mother’s day, because I’m in the valley of feeling grossly outnumbered by three teens–each flexing his/her own wings of wanna-be-adult independence minus the responsibilities that come with it–I vow to laugh more knowing that every year that passes is one year closer to being amazed and possibly hearing them say, “OMG, mom was right after all!” A few other funnies on motherhood I wish I wrote:

My mother’s menu consisted of two choices: Take it or leave it. –Buddy Hackett

Sweater, n. Garment worn by child when its mother is feeling chilly. –Ambrose Bierce

A suburban mother’s role is to deliver children obstetrically once, and by car forever after. -Peter De Vries

Living with a teen is like living with the Taliban: a mom is not allowed to laugh, sing, dance or wear short skirts. –Kathy Lette

The best way to keep children home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant—and let the air out of the tires. -Dorothy Parker

I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them. –Phyllis Diller

Neurotics build castles in the air, psychotics live in them. My mother cleans them. –Rita Rudner

The phrase “working mother” is redundant. -Jane Sellman

When your mother asks, “Do you want a piece of advice?” it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway. -Erma Bombeck

I was dating a transvestite, and my mother said, ‘Marry him. You’ll double your wardrobe. –Joan Rivers

Click on “Leave a Comment” (above left) to share what’s amazing (or at least what makes you laugh) about motherhood.

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xoxox

© Sharon Birke

201 697 1947

Sharon@PowerfulGoddess.com

www.PowerfulGoddess.com

Glamour Portraits of the Goddess in Every Wife & Mother

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The Story of a Happy Marriage

I love being married.

It’s so great to find that one special person

you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

Rita Rudner

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“Five decades and five children ago…” is how my parent’s love story would begin to be told. Today, as they celebrate their almost half a century together, I wonder what requires greater strength and courage: keeping it together or walking away?

Novelist Ann Patchett was a child of divorce and suffered through an early divorce of her own.  In the midst of the turmoil of her first marriage, she recounts (in her collection of essays This is The Story of a Happy Marriage):

Standing waist deep in the swimming pool, I received a gift–it was the first decent piece of instruction about marriage  I had ever been given in my 25 years of life. “Does your husband make you a better person?” Edra asked.

There I was in that sky-blue pool beneath a bright blue sky, my fingers breaking apart the light on the water, and I had no idea what she was talking about.

“Are you a smarter, kinder, more generous, more compassionate, a better writer?” she said, running down her list. “Does he make you better?”

“That’s not the question,” I said. “It’s so much more complicated than that.”

“It’s not more complicated than that,” she said. “That’s all there is: Does he make you better and do you make him better?”

This conversation cleared Ann’s resolve to leave her husband. She vowed never to remarry to save herself from any more pain, not even after she met a wonderful man whom she dated for 11 years.  Until the day he suddenly fell terminally ill and she realized her logic could not save her from losing him in other ways:

The fact that we came so close to missing out, missing out because of my own fear of failing, makes me think I avoided a mortal accident by the thickness of a coat of paint.  We are, on this earth, so incredibly small, in the history of time, in the crowd of the world, we are practically invisible, not even a dot, and yet we have each other to hold on to.  When we do things differently, and very often we do, I remind myself that it is early a matter of right and wrong.  We are simply two adults who grew up in different houses.

I continue to think back to Edra, standing in that swimming pool on a bright day in summer. “Does he make you a better person?” was what she asked me, and I want to tell her, Yes, with the full force of his life, with the example of his kindness and vigilance, his good sense and equanimity, he makes me a better person.  And that is what I aspire to be, better, and no, it really isn’t any more complicated than that.

Ann’s reply is exactly how this lucky Powerful Goddess describes her own gem of a husband.  And he’s tall and handsome, too!

Click on “Leave a comment” (above left) to describe what you love best about yours.

xoxox

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© Sharon Birke

201 697 1947

Sharon@PowerfulGoddess.com

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Fearless at Fifty

You don’t stop laughing when you grow old.

You grow old when you stop laughing.

George Bernard Shaw

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Before Fifty Shades of Grey and Sex and the City, there was Fear of Flying (1973) by Erica Jong.  I have yet to read this novel that introduced a notorious phrase to the English language through the heroine’s honest and exuberant retelling of her sexual (mis)adventures.  What I’ve read is Erica’s midlife memoir Fear of Fifty (first released in 1994 when she turned 50) that continued to provoke, inspire, and stand as an icon of self-discovery, liberation, and womanhood.

This classic came to mind because last Saturday was International Women’s Day and I remember reading Erica’s chapter on her writing sabbatical in a Venetian palazzo.  I thought, “Every woman should have such freedom!”  I also recall sharing her impression of Venice as a dead and dying city–but that was obviously before I heard about Carnival!

Fear of Fifty looks back and ahead, assessing the costs, rewards, the meaning of one woman’s journey.  Erica’s memoir “goes right to the jugular of woman who lived wildly and vicariously through Fear of Flying” with entertaining stories and provocative insights on a woman’s identity, love and loss, sex, marriage, aging, feminism, and motherhood.

And how far have women really come since the golden age of petticoats?  We gave up the corset and dutifully bind ourselves to the gym and diets.  We join the workforce to make our own money and the right to be eternally exhausted, never quite sure where the end of the rainbow is in doing and having it all.  After all, we must look forever young and fabulous while still running the home and feeling guilty about our (neglected) relationships.  We boldly proclaim women can do what men do while our daughters are lulled by the same fairytales of the one ideal man, the notion of that elusive union of money, sex, love, romance and fidelity leaving many in a state of dubious singlehood or perpetual marital discontent.  Will the day ever come when we’d drop the farce of calling unpaid housework “mother’s love”?  Will we live to see the pegs of hierarchy buried  and affirm the disparate choices every woman makes to be the best for herself?

As fifty beckons in my own horizon, I am honored to witness tired and wilted women transform into radiant blooms when they decide to give themselves the appreciation and sense of purpose they’ve been waiting to be given.  To see the great power in surrendering the fight of “I’m every woman” and letting the chips fall where they may.  To perceive our wrinkles as trophies of a life full of laughs and tame serious adult business with more fun, play, and dress up.  To allow disappointments to clarify who matters and the possibilities that lie beyond the pain.   To see the beauty aging offers with the wisdom and courage to say “To hell with it!”  If the Social Indicators Research (2010) is right about women being happiest at age 74, how different would the rest of our lives be if we laughed in the face of fear much, much sooner?

Click on “Leave a Comment” (above left) to share old fears that make you chuckle today.
xoxox
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xoxox

© Sharon Birke

201 697 1947

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Judging Books By Their Cover

Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend.

Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.

Groucho Marx

I lost 20 lbs over the holidays!  No, not in body weight–in books that usually weigh down my suitcase like bricks.  Big thanks to my sister Santa who dropped a Kindle Fire HD into my stocking right before our family trip!  Here are the best of the bunch from the 11 books I read in 11 days, a virtual world tour highlighting the universal thread of joys and pain that binds all women through generations and cultures.  And as for that adage “Never judge a book by it’s cover?”  I never say never.  Enjoy!

The comfort of sisterhood in China through reversals of fortune,

Snow Flower and the Secret Fan by Lisa See

Snow_flower_and_the_secret_fan by Lisa See

To get me in the mood for Carnival next month,

The Midwife of Venice by Roberta Rich

Midwife of Venice by Roberta Rich

If Anne Boleyn could have written her story herself,

The Kiss of the Concubine by Judith Arnopp

Anne Boleyn the kiss of the concubine by Judith Arnopp

Because women are often misunderstood and conveniently dismissed as crazy, The Reign of Madness by Lynn Cullen tells the tale of a Spanish (spare) princess who is packed off to marry a self-absorbed duke in cold Austria. Did she once dream of living happily ever after?

Reign of Madness by Lynn Cullen

This one made me cry a few times as I followed the trail of Italian immigrants from a tiny hilltop town to their American dream and the glitz of NYC.  How true it is that an orphan finds many parents,  that love for work, friends and family can sustain you through the worst of times, that life is not only about what you make of it, but more so the strength to survive what is taken away from you.

 The Shoemaker’s Wife by Adriana Trigiani

Shoemakers Wife by Adriana Trigiani

Click on “Leave a Comment” (top left) to add your book recommendation here.

I wish you the Happiest of New Possibilities in 2014!

xoxox

Sharon Birke

201 697 1947

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When Things Fall Apart

There are two tragedies in life.

One is to lose your heart’s desire. The other is to gain it.

George Bernard Shaw

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Many thanks to the survivors and heroes of the families in the wake of typhoon Haiyan in the Philippines.   Because no one is exempt from personal disasters in our lifetime, Pema Chodron shares her insights on dealing with tragedy in When Things Fall Apart.  Far from a quick fix, life-is-a-bowl-of-cherries self-help manual, this book is an experience laced with sadness, relief, and a kind of temperate joy.  What to do when the rug, the roof, and the walls are all swept off you at once?

How do you embrace fear, sorrow, groundlessness?  Why sit through pain, confusion, disorder?   How do we keep one foot moving in front of the other until we get to a place where the pain does not seem so big or so deep, where we can see beyond to its good purpose?  Tough times keep us  fully present to who and what is in front of us, sharing loving kindness, generosity and compassion, a mandatory break from our compulsion to zone out in front of the TV/computer, the constant busy-ness of getting and spending. Dark times sift through the fluff and clarify what and who matter in the joy of living.

Things falling apart requires us to change, take action that we would otherwise delay or not consider an option.  The familiar is no longer there  and  it is only by surrendering our resistance to change despite the fear that we allow an opening to solutions and a new way.   We suffer more when we cling  to what we know and insist on,  giving us the illusion of control in a world where impermanence is the inevitable human experience.

We owe much to survivors and heroes.  They remind us that the human spirit is invincible, that difficulty is eased by helping hands–our own and that of others. As Pema puts it, “To stay with that shakiness — to stay wth a broken heart, with a rumbling stomach, with the feeling of hopelessness and wanting to get revenge– that is the path of true awakening. Sticking with that uncertainty, getting the knack of relaxing in the midst of chaos, learning not to panic– that is the spiritual path.”

Click on “Leave a Comment” (above left) to share what you once considered a personal tragedy that has turned out to be a great blessing in your life.

How can I help Haiyan survivors?

To donate to Philippine-based organizations who know the local needs and how best to respond, contact the Community and Family Services International and the Philippine Red Cross as recommended by Jessica Alexander, the author of Chasing Chaos: My Decade In and Out of Humanitarian Aid. She is an adjunct professor at Columbia’s Mailman School of Public Health and NYU’s Wagner School of Public Service.  This is the link to her article:

http://www.slate.com/articles/news_and_politics/foreigners/2013/11/how_to_help_typhoon_haiyan_survivors_in_the_philippines_the_only_donation.html

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Photo by Ted Aljibe, Getty-AFP , Nov. 11, 2013

Aftermath in the super typhoon devastated city of Tacloban

Photo by Francis R. Malasig, EPA, Nov. 9, 2013

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Photo from BBC UK

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Photo from CNN

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xoxox

The Impostor

Guilt:  

the gift that keeps on giving.

Erma Bombeck

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Boo–Happy Halloween to you!  In the Women’s section of Huffington Post, an article about men, women and success claims that the Millenial woman is the first generation to describe herself ambitious.  Yet, does self-doubt plague men as it does women in their striving for success?  A few tricks and treats from Gail Evans’ Play Like a Man, Win Like a Woman:  
The impostor syndrome causes us to lie in constant fear that we will be discovered, that our inadequacies will be exposed, and that we will be humiliated, demoted, dismissed.  Women who suffer from the impostor syndrome frequently expend as much energy trying to figure out how to survive their presumed unmasking as they expend doing the actual job.
The truth is, we are all impostors.  Each and every one of us, men and women alike.  None of us has a grasp on all the facts.  Think about it.  Does any one of us truly know everything there is to know about raising kids? No. But that doesn’t stop us from doing it, or from doing it very well.
There isn’t one of us who can honestly say that (s)he knows everything there is to know about the job, or who can’t be caught off guard, or who couldn’t be replaced one day by someone more talented.  And believe me, the same is true of all of your bosses.
Men fake it whenever and wherever they have to.  They wear their game face and go from one place to the next, gathering as much information as they can.  Even when the odds are against them, they still try to look as if they’re going to win. The closer they move to the top in business, the more they rely on improvisation, self-confidence, and the generalized ability to draw on past experience rather than book knowledge.
When you are doing something new, there is no safety net.  That is nerve wracking.  That is also how creative ideas are advanced.  You can admit, “I’m in new territory, but I wouldn’t be here if I weren’t competent.  Instead of focusing on what I don’t know, I’ll focus on what I know and learn the rest as I go along.” Confidence is half of the game.
Click on “Leave a Comment” (above left) to share how a mask frees you (or not.)
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xoxox

© Sharon Birke

201 697 1947

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www.PowerfulGoddess.com

Glamour Portraits of the Goddess in Every Wife & Mother

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