For Father’s Day, tips and quips from Rita Rudner, a favorite comedienne who (st)ages with glamour and style:
1. On gift ideas: If you buy your husband a video camera, for the first few weeks he has it, lock the door when you go to the bathroom. Most of my husband’s early films end with a scream and a flush.
2. On guilt: When a woman tries on clothing from her closet that feels tight, she will assume she has gained weight. When a man tries something from his closet that feels tight, he will assume the clothing has shrunk.
3. On memory: Men forget everything, women remember everything. That’s why men need instant replays in sports–They’ve already forgotten what happened.
4. On diets: Men who can eat anything they want and not gain weight should do it out of sight of women.
5. When you find yourself wishing he were someone else: No man is charming all of the time. Even Cary Grant is on record saying he wished he could be Cary Grant.
6. Don’t try to teach men how to do anything in public. They can learn in private. In public, they have to know.
7. Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with superheroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.
8. On movie selections: Men are less sentimental than women. No man has ever seen the movie THE WAY WE WERE twice, voluntarily.
9. On planning what to do together: Most men hate to shop. That’s why the men’s department is usually on the first floor of a department store, two inches from the door.
10. Men hate to lose. I once beat my husband at tennis. I asked him, “Are we going to have sex again?” He said, “Yes, but not with each other.”
11. Don’t take clothing too seriously. I’ve never seen a man walk into a party and say “Oh, my God, get me out of here! I’m so embarrassed–There’s another man wearing a black tuxedo.”
12. Accept compliments graciously. Example: “Mitch, you look great.” Mitch: “Thanks.” On the other side: “Ruth, you look great.” Ruth: “I do? Must be the lighting.”
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© Sharon Birke
201 697 1947
Photography for the Goddess in Every Wife & Mother
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